Monday, March 10, 2008

Eliot is so Mad He Could Spitzer

Getting caught in a prostitution scandal has to ruin your whole day. Especially if you’ve been building a career as Mr. Tough On Crime. So, for Governor Eliot Spitzer, ‘Mr. Clean’ is out, and it’s down to choices between “The New Nixon” or “The New Bill Clinton”, or perhaps some combination of the worst of the two – Bill’s philandering and Nixon’s charm.

That sound you hear in the background is Senator Clinton scrubbing of any evidence of Spitzer’s endorsement from her campaign materials. “Prominent Clinton Supporter Snagged in Sex Sting” is far too reminiscent of a certain Potential First Hubby’s hijinks.

This also puts a whole new light of plausibility on the likely cover up surrounding use of state troopers to attempt to discredit his opposition.

What to do now?

1. Claim that you were a super secret agent actually gathering evidence against the prostitution ring. By conducting your own, super-secret investigation, you’re on the side of the good guys, right? It’s all an innocent misunderstanding! Who knew the feds were also after this ring?

2. Schedule some teary press conferences, and admit lots of regret, but mostly over the pain you’ve caused others. Sure, this is nothing more than an apology for getting caught, but it’s worked before.

3. Promise to resign, but then welsh on the deal. Call Larry Craig for advice.

4. Go on Oprah, beg for forgiveness, and promise to go to rehab. After all, it’s a disease, right? It’s not your fault! America loves a victim! Look into forming a support group with Larry Craig, Barney Frank, Mark Foley, Jim McGreevey, Bob Livingston, and maybe to provide spiritual guidence Jimmy Swaggart. If nothing else, Oprah’s blessing will secure a lucrative book deal.

5. Look into an ‘Americans with Disabilities Act’ defense. I don’t think that this dog will hunt; “criminally stupid” isn’t yet a recognized disability.